I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
cant tell, his cock is acting like one of those inflatable arm waving things outside the market
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
Randomize
