I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Randomize
