I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
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