fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
Randomize
