Can I have the boy from 16 and pregnant's next baby???
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
