3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
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