so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
Randomize
