My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
Randomize
