Me. At least after what I've been through.
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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