Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
We just made watching Intervention into a drinking game. We drink everytime someone does drungs.
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Randomize
