Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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