At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize
