I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Randomize
