I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
