guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
Randomize
