hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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