and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
Randomize
