I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
