Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
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