capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Randomize
