i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Randomize
