Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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