She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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