we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
