I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Randomize
