I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Randomize
