The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
I have one brief flash of having his dick in my hand. that's all I remember.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Randomize
