Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
Dude I've kinda accepted I may leave Nola with the clap.
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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