I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
