I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
So what's going on?
We hit boys town to get stupid. I mean invading Iraq stupid.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
They are going to name an STD after you.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
