I molested 6 butterflies tonight
I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
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