Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
Randomize
