I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
Randomize
