My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
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