thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Randomize