i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
Randomize
