having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
Randomize
