Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
Randomize
