we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
I pour the whiskey from now on
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
