i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
