I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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