It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
There's always time for handjobs
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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