every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
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