So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
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