you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize
