I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
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