You just made me feel so damn special
I wish my penis had an off switch
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
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