Is it weird that I have contacts who i've classified as DO NOT ANSWER?
Lol no its called college
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Randomize
