somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
Who has a tranny cab driver? I have a tranny cab driver.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
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