I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
