MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
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