Already got asked if we're dating
I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
so pretty much your parents know your seeing a girl on the side, let her come over and just dont say anything to your girlfriend?
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Randomize
